The Idol that Provokes Jealousy

Today I think as Inauguration Day approaches it is time for a little Bible study... I have been praying about things going on in the world and in the church and I was led to this interesting and troubling passage in Ezekiel:

Ezekiel 8New International Version (NIV)

Idolatry in the Temple

8 In the sixth year, in the sixth month on the fifth day, while I was sitting in my house and the elders of Judah were sitting before me, the hand of the Sovereign Lord came on me there. 2 I looked, and I saw a figure like that of a man. From what appeared to be his waist down he was like fire, and from there up his appearance was as bright as glowing metal. 3 He stretched out what looked like a hand and took me by the hair of my head. The Spirit lifted me up between earth and heaven and in visions of God he took me to Jerusalem, to the entrance of the north gate of the inner court, where the idol that provokes to jealousy stood.4 And there before me was the glory of the God of Israel, as in the vision I had seen in the plain.

5 Then he said to me, “Son of man, look toward the north.” So I looked, and in the entrance north of the gate of the altar I saw this idol of jealousy.

6 And he said to me, “Son of man, do you see what they are doing—the utterly detestable things the Israelites are doing here, things that will drive me far from my sanctuary? But you will see things that are even more detestable.”

7 Then he brought me to the entrance to the court. I looked, and I saw a hole in the wall. 8 He said to me, “Son of man, now dig into the wall.” So I dug into the wall and saw a doorway there.

9 And he said to me, “Go in and see the wicked and detestable things they are doing here.” 10 So I went in and looked, and I saw portrayed all over the walls all kinds of crawling things and unclean animals and all the idols of Israel. 11 In front of them stood seventy elders of Israel, and Jaazaniah son of Shaphan was standing among them. Each had a censerin his hand, and a fragrant cloud of incense was rising.

12 He said to me, “Son of man, have you seen what the elders of Israel are doing in the darkness, each at the shrine of his own idol? They say, ‘The Lord does not see us; the Lord has forsaken the land.’” 13 Again, he said, “You will see them doing things that are even more detestable.”

14 Then he brought me to the entrance of the north gate of the house of the Lord, and I saw women sitting there, mourning the god Tammuz.15 He said to me, “Do you see this, son of man? You will see things that are even more detestable than this.”

16 He then brought me into the inner court of the house of the Lord, and there at the entrance to the temple, between the portico and the altar,were about twenty-five men. With their backs toward the temple of the Lord and their faces toward the east, they were bowing down to the sun in the east.

17 He said to me, “Have you seen this, son of man? Is it a trivial matter for the people of Judah to do the detestable things they are doing here? Must they also fill the land with violence and continually arouse my anger? Look at them putting the branch to their nose! 18 Therefore I will deal with them in anger; I will not look on them with pity or spare them. Although they shout in my ears, I will not listen to them.”

Let's get right to it. Ezekiel is just hanging out at home when God straight up picks him up by his hair and takes him into the center of Jewish worship, the sacred temple in Jerusalem. Let's address this burning man-like figure who comes to Ezekiel. People like to talk about the wrath of God against sin. They like to condemn others who do not believe like they do to the eternal flames of hell. Let me propose what I believe about God and fire. I see Jesus as consumed by the scorching fires of God's eternal love. God's love and God's wrath are the same. His wrath is His love directed at the lies that separate us from Him. We can either choose to be consumed by the full-force of His love and allow our falsehoods and the ugly lies that replace the truth of our identity be sapped up in His holy passion for us, or we can see His fire as torment and refuse to submit to it. That alternative is hell.

In this incredible passage Ezekiel is confronted with the God on fire- the man Jesus- and then he is confronted with some pretty sketchy stuff in the temple. God reveals to Ezekiel "the idol that provokes jealousy." We do not know what provoked God to jealousy back in Ezekiel's day- I'm sure there was a host of false gods in the surrounding cultures, but I will tell you what I believe is that idol that is provoking jealousy TODAY in AMERICA. It is the God Mammon. Money. Its Jesus is preached in churches as the prosperity gospel and we are about to see the full force of it played out in our national leaders.

When evangelical leaders like Franklin Graham say that they believe God placed Trump in office, I will say, "Sure, God let us have exactly what we asked for." Just like when the nation of Israel got fed up with prophets speaking to them to lead from God's authority and then they just demanded a king. God complied and all the peace, security, and prosperity that they enjoyed faltered. Idolatry took over. God fed them good things, but they demanded junk, and then they got to eat their fill of idolatrous junk.

Now I'm not saying our nation is Christian or ever was for that matter, contrary to the assertions of many. What amazes me is that after Ezekiel is shown the idol that provokes jealousy the rot and filth in the Temple just keeps going. He literally digs a little deeper to see creepy crawly things behind a hole in the wall. Then he looks to see that all the elders have turned their back on the presence of God! And it gets more and more detestable from there. The complete divorce from holiness continues, But God asks, AS IF THIS WAS NOT BAD ENOUGH, must they ALSO fill the land with violence and other things that arouse my anger?

So we have made Money our American and Christian God. That should be bad enough. Then the leaders turn their backs on God. There's all sorts of creepy crawly yuck of who knows what going on behind closed doors- pornography, adultery, homophobia, etc. etc... But then we allow VIOLENCE in the land by letting the cops gun down our black men in the streets without any accountability and they are never brought to justice! Just like we allowed white men to lynch black men with impunity decades ago. And the thing is God says, "You think this doesn't make me angry? Like it is some trivial matter?"

That is exactly how I feel when I have tried to bring these issues up to Christians. Like it is so trivial they cannot be bothered to give it any thought or a dignified response, let alone to speak up against it. And then there is always the comfort of the temple. This is the great refuge to escape accountability. But God sees what is going on there too. He is crying out for justice in the streets and holiness in the temple. That's ok though if the Church won't have it. He says God's not going to respond to them if they won't clean up the moral filth in their temple.

You know I'm not a wrath of God preacher. I pretty much stick to the love of God as a priority myself. But it's so interesting to me that all these evangelicals lined up behind Trump and now we have more wealth concentrated in his cabinet than is even conceivable! In such an affront to the true Lord Jesus we have the most blatant prosperity preacher praying at the Inauguration. It is like a huge in your face billboard announcing the reign of Mammon and it is such a stench! What were you thinking Trump would give you people? Humility? Fairness? Decency?

So I post this just to let you know we're going to see what it looks like to lose our soul for the sake of the world. We will see what happens when we choose not to take up the cross to follow Jesus, but we go the way of the rich young ruler who walked away, wealth in pocket. It's not trivial that we allow injustice. If we will not proclaim Christ the rocks will cry out. Like the blood of Abel that cried out from the earth, the blood of our black sons and brothers and husbands cries out for justice. The filth we thought was hidden in our mega churches is being exposed.

Now is the time to repent because we're not fooling anyone, especially not God. Our faith in Money- one nation under the almighty Dollar- I mean God- is going to fail us in these coming days. Christ beckons and he doesn't let you haul all your stuff when he bids you come follow. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer says, "When Christ bids a man, he bids him come and die." We have cheapened his Gospel and sold out. He says "Return and I will heal your land!" Those words aren't for the drug addicts and the prostitutes and the women in the abortion clinics. Those words are for the people in their fancy clothes sitting in their beautiful churches.

You cannot serve both God and money.

The Story of the Blocks

Contrary to popular opinion I am not actually trying to offend every person I know. Or at least not all the Christians. So I am going to try to share a story that exemplifies my struggle, and also gets across what it looks like to care for poor people in a way that gives them dignity.

I have a very sweet friend that I have known since college. She lives out the Gospel in a humble way that demonstrates her beliefs through generosity to those who are not only in need, but are vulnerable. Her family has supported all my mission trips. She has supported me and invested in me ever since we studied the Bible together as students, and now we are mothers. That is a special connection and it touches me to have friends like that who have journeyed with me for so long.

Now let me tell you the story of the blocks... This special friend read my blog about my family being in need and wanted to help. She said that there was a large package coming in the mail. So here I am, so utterly depended on the kindness and generosity of others just to survive. Like to be able to pay bills and have anything for myself- like razors. Like toilet paper. And thank God for my generous friend that gave generously for me to have life saving things like supplements and yoga!

Ok so in my head I'm imaging what could be in the big box. I'm hoping it will be food, or something we really need to get us by that we can't afford. Target is like Disney World to me these days because it is like a vacation splurge if I actually scrape together $50-$100 to buy things like DISH DETERGENT or FABRIC SOFTNER SHEETS!!!

Well the box arrives and there are blocks in it. I'm looking at the blocks and am thinking, "I cannot eat blocks. We cannot do dishes with blocks." And then I think about the large amount of blocks my kids already have and how in any given week they may play with 10. I'm thinking, "What is a poor person supposed to do with blocks? What was she thinking??!" And then I think about how angry the blocks make my husband because of course the kids dump the entire box of them on the floor and walk away not having done anything with them.

The day after I get the blocks I get an email informing me that I did not get the job I had my heart set on. It was an amazing advocacy job doing work I am passionate about. So forget the fact that we desperately needed that income, it was also such a heartbreaking blow that once again I have no outlet for  my passion, and no way to support my family. I became very depressed. Every time I thought about the blocks and contemplated how this sweet friend could be so disconnected from my very real need, I got more depressed.

Then the rest of the box came in the mail from Amazon. It was snacks and baby wipes and things a parent with small children actually needs! I felt relief that my friend was really not as clueless as I was starting to believe, but then I was still stuck with the blocks. And I was so depressed about this job I did not get and another huge financial setback where provision did not come AGAIN- I could barely go about my day. I decided I had to find the blocks a home with people who were in an even worse predicament than myself. That meant I pretty much had to find homeless people. So I took the blocks and my changing table and some other things to the Night of Peace shelter as I already wrote about.

I tell this story because it does in fact have a happy ending. But I also want to share how I have also received food donations from very well-meaning people in church. These donations sometimes contained things we could use, but often there was a lot of off-brand, high sugar content, (stuff that to my stringent organic standards is just junk), and then stuff that was expired. And when I say expired I don't mean by like, a week or even a month, I'm talking about by YEARS. Do you know how insulting it is to a poor person to plan a meal around ingredients in a donated box and then go to prepare your dinner and find out the spaghetti sauce expired 2 years ago?!?! And then you think about that church member who just pulled that can or jar from the recesses of their pantry and thought it would be a kind or generous thing to unload it on you. Like the message their is, "This is not good enough for my family, but because you are poor it is ok for you."

I had the privilege of going on a 10 day exposure trip to Haiti with Mission Waco my senior year. It was not a mission trip. We were not there to save people that already knew Jesus. We were not there to help poor black Haitian as white people with all the answers. We were there to be exposed to a country living in absolute poverty. We were there to provide a little money and assistance to the World Hungry Farm. It opened my eyes and touched my heart in ways that still affect me. One really meaningful thing we did every evening was have a little devotional time with Jimmy and Janet Dorrell, two great heroes of the faith who have lived an incarnational ministry to the poor and have dedicated their lives to giving students an education in how to care for poor people as Jesus instructs. I vividly remember a discussion we had about poor people and dignity. Jimmy asked us if it is always proper to give homeless people money. He said they may need the money, but what they really need is DIGNITY. He said it is better to have a clothing closet where you charge $25 for clothes than to give it away for free because it gives the person receiving the clothes dignity to pay for them.

I never forgot those lessons. I will never just hand over a dollar to a homeless person without praying about it and asking myself if I am just giving the dollar to relieve my guilt or if it is really to benefit the homeless person. This is something I think about a lot in how people treat me and my family. How much is the person really thinking about us when they dump their unused pantry items on us? I think it is more convenient to get rid of stuff and unload it on a poor person rather than think you just wasted X amount of money on food you didn't eat. So I get to be the person who does the necessary job of THROWING OUT YOUR FOOD. People do this everywhere. My friend has a school for the poor in India and she said people give their trash to these poor kids all the time.

So I might seem like I'm just a bitter whiner who is attacking perfectly good and kind people for no reason. But then again, these people might just be feeling good about their kindness and generosity while really making my family feel like crap. Is it SO bad to go to a nice, warm church building every Sunday? Is Sunday school wrong? No, if you fit in. If it works for you. But the point is, it isn't working for everyone.

My hope in writing this is that it will cause people to at least evaluate what they are doing and why they are doing it, even if they do not actually change. There is so much we just do without thinking about it. And just because it is done with ignorance or carelessness does not mean there are not really bad consequences, such as denying someone dignity, or all out neglecting someone in need, or even pushing someone out for the sake of our own comfort. Or maybe our doctrine really has caused actual harm and damage to people that needs to be admitted, confessed, and repaired.

May we all do the hard work of leaving our comfort and to do unto to others as we would like them to do to us.

Building the Kingdom?

I have been thinking about church buildings lately. I have been thinking about the large amounts of time that church people spend in those buildings. I have been thinking about the chairs, pews, and stadium theater seats that the parishioners sit in and how they are a metaphor for the church at large. How much literal time do church members spend passively sitting on their butts in varying degrees of comfort? Like if you are in a naked pew you are not going to be that comfortable for very long, but you'll still sit there singing your hymns and listening to your sermon. And this is what church has come to mean.

In the early church there is what is called the five-fold ministry, which is comprised of the apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor, and teacher. All these roles were used actively in the church. This hierarchy you see today where the seminary educated pastor does everything and then the rest of the congregation sits passively just "wanting to be fed..." well that's not exactly biblical.

Anyway, I had an experience yesterday that encouraged me a little that not all buildings are completely useless wastes of time and money. My family had two major financial setbacks in the last week, one of which was that I did not get this advocacy job that we very much need right now and that I was very excited about. I consider myself a fairly resilient person, but this blow really hit me hard. I spent a whole day pretty much crying. I was trying to get myself out of this depression by trying to find some way to be generous to someone in a worse situation than mine. I knew about this shelter called Night of Peace that a former church had collected hygiene items for and so I decided I would drop some things off there.

I decided it was time to donate our changing table that was still in good condition. A friend sent some blocks that John did not need and so I gathered some other items to bring to the family shelter. Jeff and I got the changing table down the stairs and out the door and then tried to fit the thing in our Honda hatchback. It would not fit by 2 inches. No matter which way we tried. Then we tried taking the back off. Well this was no sturdy thing and it was starting to crack. We were getting frustrated. I was starting to cry. We finally had to abandon our effort and put the thing back together and take it back inside.

I was feeling miserably dejected and hopeless at this point. Here I was already so sad and depressed and all I wanted was to do something for someone else. Then I couldn't even do that! I called my friend to see if we could use her husband's work van- which we couldn't- but she said I could come over and sit in her hot tub. I was at the end of my rope. This friend's house is always where I end up when I've hit my limit. She feeds me healthy food and offers me her hot tub.

So I was able to prevent a complete meltdown, but then upon returning home I still had the problem of the changing table that I was not going to return to its usual place just to cover with more stuff! In a last ditch effort I pinged Facebook to see if someone with a larger car could take it. Within minutes a friend offered her SUV! Hope returned!

Yesterday we went to the shelter. We drove past a very large Baptist church that I thought could be the location for the shelter, but I was informed that church did not house the shelter, it housed a high school. So then we arrive at this very modest sized Methodist church, This small church transformed its entire basement/fellowship hall into an emergency shelter for 6 families! If you have ever worked with the homeless, then you know that there are hundreds more homeless people than there are beds. It is even harder to find a shelter for families because most shelters either take just men, or just women, or just women and kids. So this church houses the Night of Peace shelter. It has set up partitions for 6 families to be able to sleep. They arrive at 4pm and get a snack. Then they have dinner and there is a full-service social worker who comes to find the families resources such as job training. Unfortunately they have to leave at 8am, but they are looking for funding to remain open all day.

I was told that other churches came in to make a holiday meal. 3 tiny churches all share that one building.

You know I tend to have a fairly negative view (have you noticed? lol!) of institutional church, mainly due to the chilling effect of the buildings on the Gospel, but I have to say that what this meager church was able to do with their resources was impressive! Rather than doing a fundraising drive to build an enormous fellowship hall, for what- Wednesday night dinner before mid-week Bible study?- this church was actually housing the homeless! If THAT is how you use your church I will become a believer.

Of course I do not actually believe that every single church is bad. But we have to look at the overall impact of the institution and if that is reflecting the words and message of Christ. Is it enough to just have a bunch of ministries that do good things? Does that justify the amount of money sucked up by the church building overhead? So you have nice Bible study groups and children's ministry and an old-people's walking club. Are those same folks inviting lonely people over to dinner? If not, why not? Are you having dinner at your church mid-week when you could be having dinner with your actual neighbors?

See, we need to evaluate the effectiveness of what we are doing because it is not meeting the needs of the world. It's not enough to say that we are kind people who do good things. If we actually look at how we spend our time and money, we will see that we are still pretty individualistic people who spend most of our time and money on ourselves. Did Jesus not say he did not come for those who already have religion, but for those on the outside? He said it is not the well that need a doctor, but the sick. He said he came for the sick.

How much doctrine do we need to learn to justify sermon after sermon, year after year, spent just SITTING? Is all that sitting and listening equipping anybody to better LOVE? If anything I think it arguably makes people LESS loving because they are more focused on that doctrine than their actual human neighbor.

I will end with the Night of Peace Shelter.
http://www.nightofpeace.com/

No Room for Jesus

It is Christmastime and I am internally conflicted. Here this is supposed to be a joyous season, a charitable season, and a time of hope. It is a time where everyone is supposed to be focusing on the true gift of Christ to the world. "the reason for the season," which people get very offended and defensive about proclaiming and protecting. So here I'm observing all these families making Christmas cookies, going to holiday parties, and doing all the activities that everyone finds so stressful, yet says is really what makes the holidays meaningful (?)- and during this time the rest of the world is going to Hell. Not like in a theological, doesn't know Jesus sense of the word, but like an actual, evil, living Hell on earth.

I'm watching all this happening and I'm thinking about the birth of Christ. And then I'm thinking about our churches... We are no stranger to the Christmas story right? An angel appears to a lowly, poor woman Mary and tells her that she will bear the Messiah even though she is a virgin. Her betrothed husband Joseph doesn't like this news, but then an angel appears to him too and tells him that it really is of God. Then there's this decree throughout the land that everyone has to go to their hometown for a census. So poor big, pregnant Mary and Joseph have to make the trek back to Bethlehem. Well unfortunately by the time they get there there is no room in the inn left and it's time for Mary to deliver. The only shelter available is the barn next door. I don't think men understand the absolute horror of this situation. Perhaps if you were in war and needed surgery in a field hospital and are in excruciating pain and had to have surgery in a tent somewhere in the middle of a dirty field- perhaps that would be about what it would be like to have to deliver your baby surrounded by the hot steaming dung of stinky animals. And what would you be thinking of God at that moment that you are supposed to be delivering his savior for the world and the only place for you is in the presence of lowly farm animals??

I have been thinking a lot of what it means to be poor. I did not grow up poor. Right now my family is not as poor as many, but we are definitely poor. There is one experience I had where I was painfully aware of what this is like. My son has therapy appointments in downtown Baltimore. One week we were on our way to the appointment when we realized we were an hour early. It was around lunchtime and I knew the delay was going to push the kids into the dangerously hungry zone and it was going to be a nightmare getting through the therapy session. I realized we were near the Inner Harbor and I came up with an impromptu plan to get everyone lunch and use the spare hour to go see the big ships at the harbor. I checked our bank balance to see if the check I had deposited had cleared. The bank said something like, balance is X which will cover credit purchases made by day Y. This to me meant we could buy something and have it covered.

We walked to Chick Fil A which was packed because it was lunchtime. We ordered and went to pay. The server said the meal was not covered by the card. All it was paying for was the  $7 we had in our account and not the remaining amount from the check that I thought would cover it. So here poor, hot, hungry, thirsty John has to give back his juice box that he already had in his hand and we had to cancel our order and get out of line. At that moment we were surrounded by everyone just going about their days in their work attire and tourist outfits. It was like they were oblivious to the now loud cries of my child who has had his juice box ripped from his hands and given back. I was thinking to myself, "Surely someone here realizes we don't have money for lunch. Surely someone will step in and cover our meal. I would do that for someone else if I saw that their child could not get lunch." But they were all in their own worlds. Nobody noticed. Or if they did, they didn't care enough to help us. Thankfully Momma was prepared and had a spare bag of crackers and some water in a cup to shove in John's mouth so his screams didn't disrupt all the happily oblivious other customers. I was humiliated and sad, and hungry.

At that moment though I was given a gift. It was a gift of awareness. Suddenly rather than just going about my day with my family, pushing my one son in the stroller and watching the older walking child, I now was aware of all the poor people on the sidewalk. I was more like the poor people than I was like the happily oblivious working people. I thought about what it must feel like for those homeless people and poor mommas being in the mix of all the happily adjusted working class- just sitting or standing there watching them go about their days. To be poor is to be on the outside. While other people are buying Christmas presents and baking cookies, you are wondering if you will be able to have money to pay rent and have heat. The norm for others is capitalism. Your norm is survival.

And when God incarnate came into the world in a cold, stinky barn surrounded by lowly animals, and given to poor parents, everyone else was in the comfort of the the inn having dinner and resting in their beds. The King of Kings was welcomed by lowly shepherds. Nobody else noticed.

Until King Herod got word of course and then it got evil. Herod was threatened by the chance that this baby king was going to upset his rule so then we know all the toddler boys were slaughtered. So Christ is born into poverty and obscurity and then evil commits a horrible tragedy upon his people. Then his parents have to flee to a foreign land to narrowly escape the evil tragedy.

And in the midst of that was the joyous news of peace on earth for all mankind.

Then I think about when Jesus grew up and started his ministry and called his disciples... You had all these different folks from different walks of life and of different political affiliations. You had the uneducated fishermen with the doctor, and then there was the reviled tax collector, and then you have this random Zealot who wanted to overthrow the oppressive Roman government through violence! They all followed Jesus because he had the words of life and he healed people and miraculously fed the masses. Somehow they managed to get along because they thought they were the chosen ones who were going to lead a revolution that would finally free the Jewish nation from the oppressive Roman regime. Oh how they misunderstood the revolution! And the kingdom Jesus was always talking about!

And here we are. While we wrap presents (well you, I don't have any presents to wrap!) our very democracy is in danger. Danger from the Russians, and danger from the power hungry racist Republicans in North Carolina, and danger from the president elect and his addiction to Twitter, and all his billionaire, anti-anything for the people cabinet picks. We are watching the slaughter of thousands of innocents in the Hell that is Aleppo. While our Christmas lights twinkle on our nicely scented trees in the warmth of our houses, homeless vets and others are sleeping outside in the cold.

So where is the King of Kings right now? I think if he were here right now he would not be found in our churches. Our safe, happy, comfortable, oblivious churches where everyone is on the inside eating their dinners and sleeping in their warm beds. Do we get this from the story? Do we get this from his words when he says "Whatever you did for the least of these you did for me"? Our God was not welcomed by the establishment or even his own people! He was welcomed by prostitutes and sinners! Do we think we're that different today?

We are in dark times folks, that is no surprise. The world needs light. It needs hope. It needs truth. So where are we "truth holders" to be found? Is evil taking a break in its legislative session in North Carolina while everyone else is attending holiday parties and doing last minute shopping? Oh no... Do the refugees get a break from their living Hell? Do blacks every stop being black to get a break from police harassment?

Life is hard for us all whether you have money or not. Our children need us, family members get sick, marriage is hard. I get it. But if you are a Christian you have a calling on your life whether you realize it or accept it. That calling is not to remain in the comfort of your church, surrounded by others who look like you and believe like you. That calling is to be light to a dark world. That calling is to challenge the establishment with radical generosity and equality. That calling is not to do small acts of service throughout the year to make up for the remainder of the year that is spent only focusing on your family. It is a radical call to abandon the status quo in order to stand up for others.

Of course we can choose comfort. We can choose to ignore the cries of the rest of the world for shelter, and freedom from oppression, and justice. But don't be surprised if you don't find Jesus there.

Love in Action

I am going to try to keep this post as uncontroversial as possible, so I am going to talk about Mother Teresa. Let's see how long this will last...

If someone were to describe what my historical figure inspirational mashup would be I always say it's a combination of Martin Luther King Jr. and Mother Teresa. When I was in high school and college I used to read the books of her words and stories and I would cry out to God, "Lord give me the people nobody wants! God give me the jobs nobody else wants!" When I was watching the Wire I prayed that God would let me work in inner city Baltimore. Then I ended up working at Head Start in Baltimore city 2 miles away from Mondawmin Mall during the riots of 2015. We should be careful what we pray for...

Anyway, so I always want to spend my life on behalf of the poor. Once I was on the way home from a summer in India and I actually got to spend a 16 hour layover in Calcutta! I found my way to her mother house and got to see her tomb. My guest house was a room with a runny toilet that soaked the entire bathroom floor and had a squatty potty lid stuck on a western toilet. This room also had a switch with a red light and a mirror the length of my bed on the wall- dear Jesus I was afraid to touch anything or sleep on that bed!! I got back to my room via rickshaw pulled by an actual human being. As I watched the view of life unfolding before my eyes while I bobbed to the slow jaunt of the poor, skinny, dark Indian man pulling the cart I was sitting in, I watched a small child urinating in the gutter.

Calcutta was when I decided I no longer wanted to travel alone!

So I think I can safely assert that nobody has any problems with Mother Teresa. I think she is perhaps the least controversial person in the world. I think everyone would agree that her work was good and that is was of God. Mother Teresa always speaks of being the hands and feet of Jesus. But let me tell you something I struggled with as a young evangelical. Mother Teresa was NOT an evangelical! By this I mean she did not actually "proclaim" the Gospel. She did not seek to convert any of the least of the starving, dying, forgotten Hindus that she picked up from the gutters and wherever else they were dumped and left to rot.

When I watched the movie "The Letters" about her, I finally realized why this was. On one hand it was enough for her to just simply love the poor in the most basic, tangible way possible: a touch, some water poured on parched lips, the dignity of a bandage placed on rotting flesh after it was cleaned- Jesus personified as a human being seated near a cot while that poor soul took their last breath. But on the other hand there were some legit Hindu fundamentalists who would've dragged her and the nuns out in the street, burned down her buildings, and run her off. I worked on the issue of Christian persecution in India that summer I spent and in Delhi, and let me tell you, it is no joke! The Hindu fundamentalists burned an entire Australian missionary family alive in their house. They beat pastors in the south and burn down their villages so that they end up running for their lives.

Thus my fundamentalist evangelical younger self wondered if even after Mother Teresa had been the hands and feet of Jesus, was she TRULY doing the will of God (enough) because she was not trying to tell them about Jesus. Would those she helped still go to Hell?? Did they convert in some unspoken way that accepted Jesus without an outward confession? I bet if you are honest, you would have these thoughts too.

It seems rather silly now thinking that way. 1 John 3:18- Dear children let us not love with words or speech, but in action and in truth. We consistently see throughout the Bible that God desires to see us display our beliefs in how we relate to others and care for their needs. This message remains whether it is the prophets, or Jesus himself, or the Epistles.

I truly believe that the vast majority of Christians would like to live this way and are trying to do so. So why then is this not having the impact that it should? Why are so many leaving the church? Why is the Gospel message not being presented with demonstrable power?

Once again Jesus spells it out for us. He gives us this nice parable of the sower.

Matthew 13New International Version (NIV) 13 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.2 Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. 3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

18 “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19 When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20 The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

 I was meditating about why it seems so hard for the Christian community at large to actually put into action what they say they care about. Then the answer came to me there  in verse 22... Christians hear the word and it takes root... BUT THEN... the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth chokes the word and makes it unfruitful. Sad. 

Stress. Anxiety about work and bills. Always worrying about work and bills. The kids. School activity. Traffic. Dinner. Laundry. Repairs for the house. Donald Trump bringing about the Apocalypse! 

And there it goes. There goes the Gospel. There goes all the love we might have otherwise had for our neighbor. 

So that's why I'm writing this post. I want to provide some tangible ways to actually get back to being the hands and feet of Jesus. I am no guru. I just have had to find meaning in a very disappointing situation. I have nothing outside my tiny rowhome to give meaning to my life. So I have to live it. 

First- I think the greatest way to be impactful in life and faith is to REMAIN PRESENT. For me yoga has been a tremendous help by teaching me the practice of mindfulness and meditation. These are not principles unique to yoga- King David meditated on the word. So in order to give the world (and this is mainly my family lately) I have to let a LOT go, find joy in every day wherever I can get it, and STAY PRESENT. Whether it is washing dishes, or changing diapers, or applying for jobs, I try to keep myself from focusing on the future, or ruminating over the past, or allowing myself to fume about something I'm upset about. I address the feelings, acknowledge them, and release them. This takes some practice, but it is powerful once you get the hang of it.

Then there is gratitude. You hear a lot about this in books so I don't feel the need to talk about this. Yesterday my family had a big setback and some days I just don't do a very good job at overcoming discouragement. I get impatient for a job. I want this poverty to end. I don't want to be endlessly trapped with my children. So I have to start being thankful for heat and water to drink and bathe my children in. I have to be thankful my children are not being shelled by bombs. That we have a home. There is SO much to be grateful for. Always. 

Once you are present and grateful, then you can NOTICE OTHERS. This involves taking time to listen. To empathize. If you are stressed and anxious and resentful you won't be able to do that. This is where the seed gets choked. Never underestimate the power of doing little things every day to be considerate of others, whether it is acknowledging the janitor or bringing someone at work a little snack they enjoy. People notice these things, trust me! Little by little you are changing the atmosphere to be a little kinder. And most importantly you are cultivating things like compassion in yourself. 

Then you can take larger steps. Invite a lonely person to join you for coffee. Then invite them into your house. Don't worry if it is clean or your meal is gourmet. It is more important to just do life. I think this element of Christian faith is most lacking in the church. And I'm not talking about leading a small group Bible study. I'm talking about just sitting at the same table. Sit on the couch. Talk. 

THIS is where church becomes powerful. If you can just remove all the doctrine and the evangelism and just meet people where they are- THAT is when you become Jesus to someone.

Help a Poor Sister Out

So I'm just going to warn anyone brave enough to read this post... I'm very passionate and I'm angry- so that is your warning.

Today I have been reflecting on Mark 7. Jesus is "having a little chat" (insert the voice of Heidi Klum from Project Runway right before she tells the contestants that she is going to have a discussion with the judges that will seal their fate)- ok Jesus is having a little chat with the Pharisees. This time they are upset that his disciples are eating food with unclean hands, that is unwashed hands. This bothers them a lot.

5 So the Pharisees and teachers of the law asked Jesus, “Why don’t your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders instead of eating their food with defiled hands?”

6 He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written:

“‘These people honor me with their lips,

    but their hearts are far from me.

7 They worship me in vain;    their teachings are merely human rules.’

8 You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions.”

Then Jesus says (my paraphrase) "You guys have a fine way of setting God's commandments aside by using your human tradition. For example the law says that you're supposed to honor your mother and father by taking care of their needs. But instead of actually taking care of them you're saying whatever you would've given them is Corban, a gift dedicated to the temple, and so you are getting out of actually caring for them. Thus you nullify the word of God by your traditions that you've decided you'd rather follow instead. And you do this sort of thing a lot."

Then he says: "Don't you get it? Are you really that slow? It's not this religious stuff that makes you holy or not- like whether or not you ceremonially wash your hands. It's the stuff from the inside that defiles you.
20 He went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. 21 For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, 22 adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23 All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”

So when I look at how the church has valued this list of sins, here's what I SEE:
 “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. 21 For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—SEXUAL IMMORALITY, theft, murder, 22 adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. And then under the heading of sexual immorality you can add HOMOSEXUALITY.

That's my friends, what your stance on abortion and homosexuality looks like to me. Poor, sweet Christians like that couple from Fixer Upper are making the national news- not for donating a lot of stuff to help start an affordable grocery store in a food desert with Mission Waco, but for taking a stance against homosexuality as a sin...

Now when I read the Bible, I pretty much think that Jesus sums up ALL of the commandments in one word: LOVE. 

So there are all these people who I know to be truly kindhearted folks. They genuinely want to do what the Bible says. But instead of focusing their efforts on things like the Bible actually talks about, like feeding the poor, for example, SO MUCH attention is on the false emphasis on doctrines hashed out by various sects throughout the years- and then this obsession with gays.

Jesus said stuff pretty plainly. It's doesn't take very long to figure out how to be a Christian if you read what he says. But then you get into the Epistles. Oh the apostle Paul- how I love you, but how you give so much conflicting doctrine for people to split hairs over! Well Paul wants us all to be Calvinists. No some of Paul and other disciples think we should be Armenian. And now with this dogma and doctrine, debated throughout church history by councils and various religious thinkers like Augustine and Calvin, Christians have so much to sit comfortably steeped in religious tradition of man with that they have forgotten how to be actual Christians.

Let's take my situation for example. It is no secret that my family is pretty poor right now. There's a lot of stuff we need. People in the church know this. Now EVERYONE knows this, It is Christmas time, the time where people are focused on charity and being like Christ. So far ONE person has offered to actually bring my family food. I don't know what people who have read the Bible and have seen Jesus' commands are busying themselves with, but it is not feeding my hungry family. THIS IS WHY I"M NOT GOING TO CHURCH!

Whatever other religious dedication (Corban) I see Christians doing is not actually of much help to me or my family. Some days I just get tired of it.

Rather than actually expending the energy to LOVE people of different faiths, Christians are very concerned about them spending an eternity in Hell. But not SO concerned that this is a major focus of their life- like actively presenting them with any message that would show them God's love in hopes that they would not go to Hell. NO- we can condemn Muslims and the REST OF THE BILLIONS OF PEOPLE in the world quite comfortably from the safety of our doctrinal truth. If you are a Calvinist how do you live with yourself? I was a missionary reading a book by John Piper (who evangelicals LOVE) and his Calvinism was literally keeping me awake at night.

I think the Christian message would be a LOT more popular if large bulks of Christians would spend a lot more time just doing the simple acts of LOVING others in TANGIBLE ways rather than spending SO MUCH time trying to live out some doctrine taught by men in buildings. So much time is spent IN church, DOing "church," that not much time is spend actually BEing church. And the world is hurting for it. And it is no wonder they reject that gospel.

Why I Can No Longer Call Myself a Christian

I've been hearing something emerge in recent articles and talks that words matter and a lot of words have lost their meaning. Krista Tippett, host of On Being, said that words like love and compassion have been used so much that they have lost their meaning. I just read a recent article in the Washington Post about how words used by the Nazis are making a resurgence in Germany and some politicians are trying to give them new meaning. That has gotten me thinking about the term Christian and what it has come to mean in America.

The book of Acts tells us that after the death and resurrection of Christ it was in Antioch that the apostles and followers of "The Way" were first called "Christians." Relevant Magazine does a pretty good job in this article of describing how they got to be described as "little Christs" for their radical divergence from the society at large. The fire of God was falling, everywhere they went people were getting healed and delivered, and they lived in such a radical selflessness and generosity in their communities that there were no poor among them. Paul and Silas were accused of "causing trouble all over the world" (NIV) or turning "the world upside down."(ESV) Something they were doing was upending the way things had been done.

And what was the result? Thousands were added to their number daily. It frightened the establishment.

Now flash forward to America right before the inauguration of Donald Trump. Is the establishment frightened of Christians? No, quite the contrary, they pander to evangelicals! Are people flocking to our churches to become part of our communities? No- the institutional church has steadily been on the decline. Are we going against the establishment, the wealth inequality, and the injustice in a radical example to the world of selflessness and generosity? If we are I do not think the world has taken notice.

A friend recently told me it was not her church who brought her soup when she was sick (even though they were aware she had been very ill for about a month), it was her yoga friends.

As many of you know I was fired after the birth of my son and have since had to go on government assistance. During this time the bishop of the church I used to attend came and preached on the community from Acts 2 and how they lived in fellowship and held everything in common. Afterwards I wrote to one of the pastors and said it was very hard to listen to that message as I was struggling to have enough food to get through the month to feed my family. I am still waiting for that denomination to sell off some property and help us out!

Ok, so before you might think I am just cynical or speaking out of hurt from the church let me just stop you, I have been very involved in every congregation I have attended. I have sought to bring about change to the behemoth that is the institutional church. I was very hurt by a brother and I forgave him and went to another congregation and then came back to support his ministry again. I have done the work of reconciliation.

But I'm not doing it any more. Today, watching the demise of Aleppo something in me just screamed, "I can have nothing more to do with this!" I was watching a video where a middle aged man cried out in the streets, "WHERE ARE THE MUSLIMS?" In their final video goodbyes to the world I watched them say, "WHO WILL GET ANGRY FOR ALEPPO?" They were begging, pleading, screaming, for anyone to help them... and we could not, did not answer. When that man cried out, "Where are the Muslims?" my spirit cried out, "WHERE ARE THE CHRISTIANS?!?"

I don't know where we are, but we're not seeing Jesus standing in the lowly places like St. Ignatius said. Instead we're defending the billionaire class and their right to exploit others with our prosperity gospel. We're too busy as a nation serving Mammon.

So folks I'm out! I will NO LONGER CALL MYSELF A CHRISTIAN. I don't want to be a part of what that has come to represent. I don't want to be lumped in with evangelicals- God bless the kind and caring souls that I know many of you to be. Like Paul said to the Corinthians, "I have resolved to know nothing except for Christ and him crucified." And I mean it. This is not a phase. If I have to check a box of what religion I belong to I will check other. If you ask me what religion I am I will say "child of God." But there is no way I'm going to be called Christian if this is what it has come to mean.

Gandhi perhaps famously said it best, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The materialism of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it's not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time."

If you are my friend and you are a Christian, you can still be my friend. I may visit church, but for me there is no more belonging to a church. I will seek to instead live out koinonia from my home and EVERYONE is welcome.

This is not a reaction. This has been a long time in the coming. And I think many people feel this way.

*Disclaimer- I know that a good number of individuals are doing great work for the poor and the vulnerable. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking about what our institutional church has come to mean. I'm talking about OVERALL what the term Christian has come to mean. So if you or somebody you know IS actually living the Gospel. Great job! Keep up the good work!*