Moving Forward

I recently completed the second 6-month healing prayer ministry training from Elijah House's video school. We had a graduation ceremony and the facilitators of the class spoke words of blessing and prophecy over us. Members of the class also shared blessing and wrote them on cards to give to us.

This is what the leaders said about me:

• "I see you being led by God blind-folded. You don't know where you are going, but when He takes off the blindfold you are content and happy."
• "I see you on a winding path, but you are walking with Jesus right beside you."

And one card said:

• I see you "free falling beautifully skydiving. You are not afraid because the Lord holds you up as He carries you to your destination."

On one hand I was comforted that these people who I trust to hear from God were speaking things that are in agreement with my experience, and what they were saying was hopeful. But what did not make me feel all warm and fuzzy was this confirmation of the uncertainty in my life and the general theme of 'blind faith' and even extreme risk-taking. That is sort of how I've been living, but still it did not make me feel better that this is really how it is.

You see I had a different idea of how it all was going to look. The faith was supposed to have a difference outcome. As a recovering perfectionist and performance/outcome-driven person, I do not like thinking that even faith can have flawed results. It's hard to keep from believing that perhaps somewhere I missed something or just plain got it wrong.

This mindset tends to get me stuck. It prevents me from wanting to move ahead. It causes me to resent the lost opportunities and creates a hesitancy to risk again. Whether you act out of faith or not, I am sure I am not alone in having these feelings.

So I am writing to share how I am choosing to handle this problem of facing my future while still quite acutely feeling the disappointment of the past. I have decided that I want to run with a tailwind rather than against a headwind. I am not a runner- I say that I don't run unless I am being pursued by someone with the intent to do me harm. I don't think I got past the 2nd stage of the Couch-to-5k program, but alas I digress.

I don't run, but I do know what it's like to try and do anything- let's just say walk- against a headwind. You are progressing, but it just seems to take so much effort to get anywhere. And then when you get to your intended destination you feel drained. A tail wind, on the other hand, propels you forward and makes it feel like you are almost effortlessly progressing- or if not effortlessly, with minimum effort- and when you arrive you almost feel like you gained strength in conserving what you would have already have had to expend. Like when the flight attendant tells you that you are arriving to your destination city ahead of schedule. It's like you get part of your life back that you didn't know you were missing.

Anyway, I give this long analogy because I feel like in clinging to the past, in focusing so much on lost opportunity costs, I am running against a headwind. I'm chaining myself to hurt and the things that represent what I don't want my life to look like- or mourning what should've been- when I could be expending that energy on the potential of what could be. I need that focus and energy for the WORLD of possibilities that lie ahead.

It was really windy a couple nights ago. It was also warm. That is it was warm before it got cold, but that is April for ya. I went out to the deck and sat to look out across the yard and up to the night sky. As soon as I came and sat with my sorrow and burdens I heard a voice in the solitude that said, "I am here." I started to cry. And then I felt as if Jesus was extending me an opportunity to unload my burdens.

I pictured the failed relationships and hopes and dreams as bunches of balloons. I felt the nudging of Jesus to let them go. So with each new gust of wind or gentle breeze I let another bundle of balloons go. Each friendship. Each opportunity. A season of life over. In my mind I could see them float up to the sky and off to Heaven. In Heaven God would be able to invest them and redeem them and then use the return on the investment for my future.

With each release of the imaginary balloons I felt lighter in my spirit. I think that's what enabled me to now feel more enthusiastic about continuing to run with hope towards the 'what could be' instead of focusing on 'what will not be.'

My favorite prophet Isaiah said:

This is what the LORD says- "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

It's hard to think I am starting over. I didn't want to start over. I was ok with revamping or remodeling, but I didn't want to have to start from scratch. That thought sucked and quite frankly scares me. I have done this too many times. But I don't have options. I start over or stagnate. I don't want to stall out right when I am positioned to thrive if I will only keep on living with courage, faith, and hope. So I am choosing to keep looking ahead- or walking figuratively blindfolded by God step by step in the direction where He is leading in as much trust as one can muster while plummeting to the ground like a skydiver!