But then God got down to the deepest part of my heart and showed me that really when it comes to the point of a relationship where I'm really in pain, I cut and run. I divorce people. I move on. I only let people as close as the point where I can be in control of how much ability they have to cause me pain. When the relationship ceases to pass a cost-benefit analysis, I check out.
God has been showing me that if I want to love like Christ, then I don't get to choose who (whom?) I love. And I don't get to choose how much I love the people He chooses.
I think this stinks. I want to self-protect. I want to live in denial so I don't see how truly sinful people are. I don't want to make myself vulnerable to others who are not reciprocating the amount of effort I think is worthy of the relationship.
I have been reminded of this Scripture:
Matthew 5:46-47: "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?"
And so the conclusion that I arrived at (once again) in the car on the way home last night is this- it is completely impossible for me to love people. I don't even actually want to love them. Not when it goes beyond the momentary interaction with a homeless man on a park bench. Really, if I am honest, I like to love people up to the point where their sin has an effect on my free will. I will love you until my goals in life are side-tracked because of your shortcomings. That is where I decide you are no longer are of benefit to me.
That is just selfish. So I guess I'm not as Christlike as I thought! Thanks God for grace. I don't have to find the ability to love any of you from some well of goodness within myself. I just have to be a surrendered vessel, willing to channel Christ's love. And God said I know how to do that.
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